Message
by nicol-leoraine
Summary: Post ep to Epiphany or what was going through Sheppard´s mind when he returned home.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_This is my first Stargate Atlantis fic so bear with me:-) It´s a short one too, the second chapter should be the last. It´s a post ep and there are HEAVY spoilers for Epiphany! so be warned. I´m taking on where the episode ended._

_I know this was all written before, but I just saw the episode and had this urge to write up something. No beta reader for this one, so sorry for any mistakes._

_Ah, let´s not forget the disclaimers - well, they are not mine and I am not getting any money out of this, so that should do._

_Now make yourself comfortable and enjoy the story._

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**Message**

**by Nicol Leoraine**

**Chapter 1**

He felt sick. Sick from the relief, sick from anger. The two feelings mixed inside him and he couldn´t but keep walking and try to escape them.

They´d come. It took them six long months, but finally, they came.

He should´ve felt happy to see them, alive and well, happy to head home. But instead, he felt numb and somehow... mixed up.

"Let´s get out of here," he said and set out for the threshold. He could´ve found it with closed eyes by now - he spent a lot of time wandering around, much of it walking to the cave. Everytime he did, he held a hope in his heart, that this time, they´ll be there. Or at least leave a message. But there was nothing. Sure, he _appreciated_ the first pack with the three canteens and few powerbars, but after the first three days passed, it somehow lost it´s appeal. Then he was brought to the cloister and literally waited for months until the next bag arrived.

And he still hoped when he was opening it, hoped that he will find a message. Damn, was it so hard to write a note?

"So, what were you doing all that time? I see you´ve got some new friends..."

Sheppard looked up, startled to hear the familiar voice. His mind zoned out and now he looked into Rodney´s face, distracted.

"Huh?" he asked, stupidly and was rewarded by several concerned looks. It was weird. How he longed to see those people once again, to ask them _why_ they´d abandonned him, because to tell the truth, that was how he felt the last six months. But at the same time, he wished they hadn´t come. Not like this anyway. Suddenly, he got a scary thought. What would´ve happened if the beast attacked him and they hadn´t been there? Would´ve the villagers come to his help? And if so, they would´ve ascended. Terra asked him if he wanted to come. And he said no. But would he say the same if his other option was to stay totally alone?

"John?" the concern was back again, this time, there was a hand on his shoulder too and Sheppard blinked to see Beckett standing next to him. Damn it, he should pay more attention.

"I´m fine," he mumbled and resumed his pace. When´d he stopped, anyway?

"You didn´t answer my question," Rodney pouted.

"Which one?" Sheppard asked, conscious of the fact that McKay was talking practically non stop when he was nervous, and this time, he _did _look nervous.

"What were you doing all the time?"

"Waiting," John replied, giving him a pointed look, that managed what an armed Wraith couldn´t - Rodney shut his mouth. Sheppard blinked at the effect, but found the silence comforting. He didn´t look back at his friends, only increased the speed of his walk, idly remembering his "morning runs" he preferred to the never ending meditations the villagers were so fond of.

"Where were you living?" Elizabeth asked, when the silence become unbearable, at least for the rest of the team, if not for John. She was taken aback by his reaction, more so that she remembered his banter just that morning. It was weird to see him with the beard, in the foreign clothes - only hours after their last meeting. Even weirder was the look on his face and Elizabeth realised that he had changed.

There was the sadness in his eyes that she couldn´t quite identify, but she knew she saw it on him before. And she had to stiffle a gasp when she remembered the exact moment. It was when Lieutenant Ford, driven by the Wraith enzyme, went through the Stargate. Then she saw betrayal as well as guilt in the hazel eyes and she could understood. But why was it there now?

"Back at the cloister," John replied to the earlier question, surprising her.

"Cloister? As in a real convent?" McKay asked, his silence gone and John let out a breath. He should´ve stayed silent.

"No, it´s more like a village. They just call it the cloister, because of all the meditating and stuff.."

"Maybe we should take a look-"

"No!" John abruptly turned, startling McKay. "Look, there´s nothing there. Just huts where we were living. No technology. No reason to return." He didn´t know why he felt so adamant about it, maybe he just don´t wanted for them to see the place he lived at the last six months. It would somehow make it much more real. And maybe this wasn´t real at all, just a stupid dream. Yeah, as if he was so lucky. John snorted and turned to the forrest. They weren´t far from the cave now.

"Look, I don´t want to loose anymore time. Just wanna get out of here, okay?"

Rodney swalloved and nodded.

"Sure. I didn´t meant anything by it. You know we were doing everything we-"

"Tell me about the time dilation. Just how much time passed on the other side?" John asked, cutting Rodney off in the middle of his sentence.

"Five hours," the scientist said, and started his explanation. But John didn´t listen.

Five hours. Only five hours for the Atlantis and for his team. Ronon´s words once again echoed in his mind.

_"I missed you folks."_

_"Well, it was only few hours for us."_

Yeah, only few hours. And what if they hadn´t figured it out so quickly? What if it took them a day or two? Just how old would´ve John be?

He felt his insides churn and cursed, holding out his hand. The team stopped, but he couldn´t lose time explaining.

"Stay here," he mumbled and without more rushed into the bushes. Ronon was about to follow him, when they heard the sound of retching. McKay grimaced in disgust, while Weir and Teyla frowned in concern.

"Carson?" Elizabeth asked, and the doctor let out a sigh.

"It´s probably the shock," the doctor replied, his accent thicker than before. "I´ll look him through in the infirmary, but I don´t think it´s anything physical related."

"He´s different," McKay muttered, his eyes downcast. He shuffled his legs like a nervous kid, the guilt clearly apparent in his face.

"It wasn´t your fault, Rodney. You were doing everything possible. If not for you..."

"He wouldn´t be in that situation. I get it."

"That wasn´t what-"

"He´s coming back," Teyla warned them and both doctors shut up. Sheppard stepped out of the bush, his face pale, shoulders hunched. But he put up a smile the moment he saw them.

"Everything okay?" Elizabeth asked casually and Sheppard nodded.

"Just peachy."

Rodney rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, but quickly shut it, seeing the warning look coming from Teyla. He sighed and busied himself with looking at the small device in his hands, watching for any other life signs. Not that there was anyone else.

"Is the food here making you sick often?" Carson asked silently, walking right next to Sheppard. John looked up at him, slightly confused.

"I wasn´t sick-"

"Son, I heard you," Beckett said and John´s face turned red from embarrasment. Great, this was getting better from the minute.

"Sorry. No, the food is good. I guess it´s just... I don´t know. It´s just too much at once. The beast, Terra and the others ascending and the whole five hours equal six months thing. Can´t get my head straight," John said, unconsciously trying to explain how he felt, but figuring out he couldn´t. Like he said to Beckett, it was too much and he needed time. He almost snorted at that but stopped himself, knowing that the doctor was watching him.

"That´s understandable. No other problems? Dizziness? Nausea?"

"Nah, I´m good." But he wasn´t. He felt the headache building and he hoped they would make it to the Atlantis soon, because his stomach was doing pirouettes and it didn´t calm down when they reached the cave.

"Ronon, you should go first," Elizabeth said as they came up to the threshold. John stopped near the fireplace, his foot kicking at the pile of rocks that formed the arrow pointing to the village.

"We will follow you in few minutes, but it will take only seconds for you, so it would be good if you didn´t stood in the way," McKay advised, studying the black surface. He was hoping the ascended villagers would turn it off completely, but it looked the same.

"You sure he can get through? This looks just like when we get through it," Beckett commented, frowning at the threshold.

"I am _not _sure, but we should try. If it won´t work, we will have to find that ZPM."

"It will work," John said distantly. He was looking at the remains of the radio, the one he threw at the wall when he left the cave. "Terra wouldn´t lie to me."

"I´m going," Ronon said, before McKay or anyone else could protest. They watched as the big man touched the surface and his fingers get through the matter. Ronon nodded and took the step, vanishing. Beckett let out a relieved sigh and looked at Sheppard.

"Who´s next?"

"Me," Beckett said, swallowing. He don´t wanted to go through, but he figured that in any case he should go before Sheppard. If someone would be affected the most, it would be the pilot, because he spent the most time in the sanctuary. Beckett wanted to be on the other side in the case he was needed.

"Okey. Keep your breath and do it quick," McKay advised him and ignored the look the doctor threw him, before stepping through the threshold.

"John, you should go next," Elizabeth spoke and he looked at her, for a moment wanting to say no. He remembered the pain when he went through and wasn´t too keen in experiencing it again, but then there wasn´t any other way. He nodded. If he knew something for sure it was that he don´t wanted to go last. Anything but stay alone in this place.

"You know I was waiting in this cave for five days. How much time it was for you?" John asked in a distant voice.

"Few minutes," Teyla spoke quietly. "Doctor McKay found out the memory of the camera was full and after a quick test he realised the time that´s elapsing here is different. We sent you the backpack with everything we had."

"Yeah, about time too. I was getting out of water," Sheppard mumbled and looked at the watches. It was still few minutes for him to go and he was nervous. The reminiscing didn´t calm him any, if anything it made him more angry.

"We´re sorry, Colonel. But there really wasn´t-"

"I think it´s my time," John cut her off and came to the threshold. It wasn´t full ten minutes but he really wanted to get out of here, away from the apologies. He just wanted to go home, wherever that was.

"Just go quick, Colonel," McKay said again, seeing him hesitate. John gave him a curt nod, took in a deep breath and threw himself into the threshold.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

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_It´s always good to know if you like the story. Reviewing is the best way to let me know:-)_

_Next chapter will be up as soon as I write it._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _Wanted to thank you for the great reviews! I love them, and I am glad you like the story so far. Well, I know I said this will be a two chapter, but it somehow get out of control. But don´t fear, the third chapter will be the last, I promise:-)_

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**Message**

**by Nicol Leoraine**

**Chapter 2**

This time around, there was no pain when he get through the portal. Only a weird feeling enveloping him, leaving him a little queasy. He took a faltering step and bumped into Beckett, who was just few feets before him. Obviously, he should´ve waited those ten minutes. He didn´t even register when Ronon grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the way along with a slightly shocked Beckett. Just in time, when Elizabeth stumbled out.

"Wow! Everybody all right?" she asked, as Teyla and finally McKay came through the threshold in the following seconds.

"Well, my whole body is tingling and I am sure my heart is beating too fast, and who knows if I won´t get a heart attack or a stroke, do you think it´s possible, Carson? Because-"

"Rodney, you´re okay," Carson Beckett announced, stopping McKay in the middle of his tirade.

"Oh, well, that´s good," he said and fell silent, looking at Sheppard. He opened his mouth few times, but then closed it shut. Suddenly he felt tired. Maybe Sheppard had six months but Rodney had only hours, and he was quite in a rush.

"How long were we gone?" Elizabeth asked, looking at her watches, but realizing they won´t tell her the right time. So instead she tapped her radio and called the puddle jumper.

"Lieutenant? We´re ready to get out of here."

"Madam? You just told me to wait two minutes ago," the surprise could be heard through the radio, but it was the look in Sheppard´s face that made Elizabeth sigh.

"Well, we were quick," she said and saw the glint in Teyla´s eyes, while Rodney muttered something inapprehensible.

Sheppard for his time was leaning against the wall, breathing in the humid air and watching his friends. How many nights did he fell asleep, imagining their faces? And every time he asked the same thing - why weren´t they coming? He felt betrayed, hurt. But still, when Terra told him about their arrival, he jumped up stating that was the best news. And when he saw the beast ready to attack them, he lunged at it without a second though.

"Colonel? Are you ready?" Beckett asked him, and pointed at the retreating back of Ronon and Elizabeth. The others were still lingering around him, watching him. John shook off the fog that somehow settled in his mind and gave them an assuring smile.

"Why yes, lead the way."

**xxxx**

He thought it would be easy. To come back to Atlantis and act as if nothing happened. But even when he set his foot to the puddle jumper and saw the surprised look on the pilot´s face, he knew it won´t.

But essentially it wasn´t the people of Atlantis who were having problems to seeing him around, but it was Sheppard himself. For Atlantis, he was gone on a routine misson, which ended even sooner than it was supposed to. If not for the beard and the weird clothes, he would´ve gone unnoticed in the corridors. Also the escort of his whole team didn´t help, it just brought too many stares and suddenly John missed the calmness of the cloister. He almost laughed.

How could he miss something he tried to elude the last six months?

At least when they reached the infirmary, Beckett pointed him to the farthest bed in the corner. He gave the nurses some instructions to gave the rest of the team the post mission check up, then headed off after John. Pulling the curtain, so as they had as much privacy as was possible, he heaved a sigh and looked at the wayward Colonel.

Sheppard was sitting on the bed, hands touching the soft mattress, eyes downcast. He heard the sigh and grimaced. The smell of the antiseptic, hell, just seeing the familiar faces, made him want to cry. He didn´t know why. But he pushed aside the emotions, and when he looked up, his face was a calm mask. Beckett cringed.

"What about we get you out of those clothes, Colonel?" he asked and pointed at the scrubs lying folded on the bed. Sheppard gave them a short look, then snorted.

"I think _I_ can get out of these clothes by myself, thank you. Is this really necessary? Like I said, I´m fine. The way back through the threshold wasn´t nearly as painful as the first time. And it was Ronon and Teyla who were flying through the air, remember?" he tried to revert the attention and Beckett almost smiled at the display of the old Sheppard. For a second it was as if nothing happened.

"I´m sorry, John. But you was away quite a long time and as I heard, you had several encounters with the beast. I would rather check you through than miss something."

"It´s okay, doc. Hedda healed me," John said, hoping it will do, then cringed as his own words betrayed him.

"Healed you. I see. And just from what did she needed to heal you, Colonel?" Beckett asked, business like and Sheppard recognized the "don´t mess with me" look just too well. No six months could´ve erased the instinct of self-preservation from the big needles, and he knew Carson well enough to know he had _plenty_ of pointy objects he could stick him with. Without a word, Sheppard reached for the scrubs.

**xxxx**

Five minutes later, Carson Beckett studied the new set of scars on his patients back and neck in fascination. He almost whistled in surprise. Just two days ago he saw Colonel on another post-mission check up and he was sure none of the scars were there.

"They´re all from the beast?"

"Yeah," Sheppard replied noncommittaly.

"Must´ve been painful," the doctor judged, seeing the scars on his back.

Sheppard shrugged.

"Don´t really remember what happened after the beast attacked. I just woke up in the bed, healed."

"Awesome," Beckett muttered and Sheppard turned, frowning.

"I don´t think it´s so cool, Beckett. Try to face this thing twice and then speak about awesome."

Beckett looked puzzled by the sudden anger and gave Sheppard another critical look.

"I didn´t mean the fact the beast attacked you was awesome, Sheppard. I am merely fascinated by the state of the wounds."

"Why?" Sheppard asked, puzzled. "They´re all healed."

"And that´s exactly what I am talking about. This," he pointed at the scar on his neck that he acquired the last week. "-looks at least several months old, and the ones on your back practically faded. If I´d never saw you before, I would´ve thought you got them several years ago. The fact that I see them at all indicates it was a deep tissue damage. And you say you was healed? How? Perhaps they had used some kind of plants? A new medicine?" Beckett was getting excited but Sheppard quickly corrected him.

"Sorry, doc. No medicine. It was Hedda, the little girl. She was a healer."

"Oh," Beckett´s face fell, but then he quickly recovered and put on a smile. "Good thing she was there."

"Yeah," Sheppard mumbled and suddenly felt the urge to get out of the infirmary, to the open. For the last six months he lived practically outside. Sure, he slept in the hut, but even that was more open. The infirmary was stiffling, the voices behind the curtain making him nervous.

"Can I go, now?" he asked and cursed himself for the slight stutter and the whining quality of his voice. He sounded almost like McKay.

Beckett´s eyes narrowed even as he shook his head.

"Sorry son, but I need to do some tests. And I would like to keep you here for the night."

"No!" Sheppard fiercely protested, then in a calmer tone added: "I really need some time alone, Carson. I want to take a shower, get rid of the thing on my face," he pointed at his beard with a slight smile, which faltered. "I need to think. In my own room, without nurses checking on me every hour, or a bunch of people playing visit. I just... need time."

Carson Beckett eyed him warily, noting the dark circles already forming around his eyes, the pale skin and hunched shoulders. He really thought Sheppard should stay, though he wasn´t sure if it was more for his own calm than the Colonel´s. What convinced him though was the pleading look and the haunted eyes.

"Under conditions."

Sheppard opened his mouth to protest, but then realised he will get what he wanted and simply nodded, a grateful smile playing on his lips.

"I´ll do whatever test I like and you will wait here until I get the results. You can sleep in your own apartment, but you´re off duty for as long as I will deem fit."

Sheppard frowned at the mention of the tests, but then agreed. He knew there was no other option and as much as he hated being cooped up in the infirmary for the next few hours, it was still better than to stay here through the night.

"Deal," he said finally, though he couldn´t hide the shiver when Carson gave him a satisfied smile and called at the nurse.

"All right then, Colonel. First thing to do, we´re going to get some blood samples."

**xxxx**

Five hours full of poking and prodding later, Sheppard would´ve sweared that he was still partially trapped in the time dilation field, because it sure as hell felt like eternity to finish the tests. Carson still didn´t have all the results, but the ones he got didn´t indicate any problem. So under a promise that the Colonel will go straight to his quarters and will be in the infirmary the first thing in the morning, he let him go. Sheppard was sure he got a pair of burn marks on the back of his head from the doctor´s frowning glare, but he didn´t care.

It was a small miracle that he managed to avoid his team. For a while they were hanging around the infirmary, wanting to play him company. Even if they hadn´t missed him for so much time, they realised - well, all but Ronon - that the time for the Colonel ran faster. They wanted to give him support and he had a hard time to convince them he didn´t need it. Finally, they gave up the effort to keep some conversation with him, and Sheppard used Beckett´s tests as an excuse to be left alone. He wasn´t sure though if it was his own actions or something the doctor told them, because they really left. And he felt relief.

Now that he was heading for his quarters, the corridors familiar but strange at the same time, he felt bone tired. It was getting dark and he felt ready for a bed but he knew he won´t sleep tonight. There was just too much his mind had to proceed. The time dilation only one of the things.

Sliding into his quarters, he took a minute to take in the room. Nothing changed and he wondered if it really wasn´t just this morning when he left for the mission. But when he wandered into the bathroom and started to take off his clothes, his head started spinning and he had to lean against the wall for support. It was the smell that hit him, making his mind go into overload.

He could still smell Terra, and he could feel her body close to his.

The flashback came with frightening clarity - the night he returned from another of his trips to the cave, this time bringing the backpack with the supplies. He was so excited he almost tuned her out, but then she asked him to sit next to her and he obeyed, the backpack, along with Atlantis, forgotten. She spoke about dreams, about seeing his face for her whole life, about seeing _them_ ascend together. He doubted her then and he was right, he realised now. But it didn´t change the feelings between them, the kiss they shared.

Suddenly he missed her. Not the cloister, not the meditations, just simply her. Because she was the only thing that kept him sane for the last six months.

Sheppard shuddered, pulling himself to his feet. The world stayed unmoving, just as it was supposed to be and he quickly get out of the last reminders of the Sanctuary, throwing the clothes to the farthest end of the bathroom. He needed to get back his hold on the reality, but he was afraid it would require more than a shower and a good nights sleep.

The water on his skin felt good and he had to grin, because one thing he truly missed in the last six months was a shower. The strong spray almost hurt his skin, but it was a good hurt, that pushed away all the thoughts and left him in a slightly dazed state. He shortly contemplated to leave the shaving for the morning, but he wasn´t sure he´ll stay in his quarters till then and he needed to get rid of the stubble, if for nothing else than because it pulled attention. He already heard the surprised whispers of the Atlantis personnel, when he walked the corridors with the beard and the weird clothes. They just saw him few hours ago clean and shaved. It wouldn´t do him any good to start a gossip about another experiment with an ancient technology going wrong.

Finally shaved and in his own clothes, he lie down into his bed, arms under his head. He stared at the ceiling and tried to convince himself that everything was all right. That his team didn´t left him to die, that they cared for him and were doing everything they could to help. But one thing kept popping into his mind, one thing that didn´t allow him to sleep, to forget - or to forgive.

He felt the anger rising inside him and he tried to push it back, tried really hard, because he don´t wanted to be angry, not at his friends. He kept repeating himself that for them it was just few hours, that they were in a rush and they simply forgot. But then some dark side of his mind reminded him that they _knew_ it wasn´t just hours for him, that they _knew_ it were already weeks, no - _months_ - for him, yet still they didn´t found the time.

The room became too small and Sheppard felt hot. No, in truth he felt as if his blood was boiling and he knew he needed to get out. Jumping off the bed, he grabbed a pair of sneakers and headed out. He needed to get off some of the steam, before he would do something rash. He just hoped he won´t meet anyone on his way to the gym.

He hoped wrong. The doors opened, only to reveal a rather nervous looking McKay.

**TO BE CONTINUE**


	3. Chapter 3

Message

by Nicol Leoraine

Chapter 3

"Oh, Colonel," McKay stuttered, and the raised hand prepared to knock on the door slowly fell to his side. "I- I just wanted to talk with you."

"Later, McKay," Sheppard growled and pushed around the scientist. He wished the man would take his words and for once leave, but this obviously wasn´t his lucky day - or half year, whatever.

"Look, John, I-"

"I said _later_," Sheppard hissed, letting some of the anger know. Maybe that would scare him off. Not waiting for anything else, he turned away and started running toward the gym. The excercise sounded better by every second.

He was already by the gym, when the scientist caught up with him.

"No, we need to talk right now."

Sheppard finally stopped and turned to look at McKay. The scientist was nervously grinding his hands, and his eyes were blinking much faster than normal. For a moment John pushed back his own feelings.

"McKay, what is so important it couldn´t wait till the morning? I am quite tired."

Rodney snorted and looked behind the Colonel´s back.

"Yeah, sure. That´s why you´re heading to the gym. Cause you´re tired."

"Rodney," it was more an impatient hiss than a warning, but McKay swallowed and suddenly didn´t know what to say. He was sure he needed to talk with Sheppard, he wanted to tell him how he was sorry, that it was all his fault and that they really, really tried to get to him sooner. The only thing he wanted was to hear that it was okay, that Sheppard understood and that everything was cool, so McKay could return to the lab an push away the horrible feeling of guilt.

But Sheppard didn´t look very forgiving right now. No, he looked more like a person who was ready to beat the hell out of something - or someone. And Rodney suddenly wasn´t so sure it couldn´t wait till the morning.

"Uhm, perhaps you´re right," he drawled and took a step back. "Maybe I should wait till morning."

And Sheppard wanted to sigh out in relief and tell him good, see you later then. But he couldn´t. As much as he wanted to get rid of the anger in the gym, he wanted to hear answers. He knew well enough that even after a gruelling workout, he would still lie in the bed and ask why. And then the anger would vanish and turn into a much more dangerous depression. He knew, because that´s what happened in the Sanctuary. It took him long days, if not weeks, to overcome the simple fact that he was left alone with not more than three packets of water and few power bars. And if Sheppard knew something, it was he hated depression. It was too close to being sucked out by the Wraith - both took your life energy

So when Rodney took that careful step back and was about to turn and leave, Sheppard stopped him.

"No, we shouldn´t wait with this. I need to know something."

McKay jerked and Sheppard had to smile.

"Geez, McKay, chill off. I don´t bite."

Rodney gave him a snort and mumbled something unintelligible. John just shrugged it off and they both walked to the gym. If nothing else, it was empty at this time of the night. McKay settled himself on the bench and watched as Sheppard took a five minutes run on the machine to get his muscles warmed up. Then he walked up to the dummy they used for the workout if they didn´t have any sparring partners and looked at McKay.

"You wanted to talk. Then talk."

"Uhm, I thought you wanted to ask a question?"

Sheppard hit the dummy, and the scientist cringed.

"Okay, that´s it. I know you´re angry and I can understand that, but you should try and understand that we were really doing everything possible. It wasn´t like we were sitting there few hours idly chatting. I took the Jumper right back to the gate for some equipment, and even Dr. Weir came back with me. We hoped to get you with the Jumper, but there was that shield and-"

Sheppard hit the dummy several times. Each of the hits felt good, and he needed it, because with every word McKay let out of his mouth, Sheppard felt the anger returning.

"So..." McKay swallowed. "Just... wanted to know... if we´re okay."

"A minute - at - most, - Rodney," Sheppard let out in a whisper, breathing hard. Every word was accompanied by a thud when his fist landed on the figurine.

"What!" Rodney´s eyes narrowed. He didn´t understood.

"That´s all it would´ve taken to you to send a message. Just a minute."

"A minute was almost a day for you, Colonel."

At that, Sheppard abandoned the dummy and looked up at McKay. Sweat was running down his face and he wiped it off. His breathing was hard and he was sure that Beckett would probably kick his ass if he´d know how lightheaded he just felt. But nothing of that mattered, because John wanted the answer. He waited for it too long already.

"Well, seeing as I was trapped here for six months, I don´t think one day would´ve made any difference. But I sure as hell know how I felt when I _didn´t know_ what the hell happened. Why weren´t you guys coming, or why did you sent me supplies, but not a damn note!" his voice rouse and he took few steps closer to McKay.

"I wanted to, John. But in all the haste... I was already back in the Jumper when I thought about it. And Teyla did sent back the camera, but you was already gone!"

"So? It´s so hard to scribble down few words? Hell, you could´ve used one of the stones lying just under your feet!" Sheppard was shouting now and McKay stood, ready for a retreat.

This really wasn´t what he hoped for. He just wanted to make sure that Sheppard was okay. Well, he obviously wasn´t. The mask of normalcy he wore upon his return just slipped and McKay wondered if it was even there. Didn´t he see the signs? Sheppard was distant from the moment they met and the only reason he didn´t start shouting at them was probably the threat from the beast and later the whole ascending stuff.

He looked up and he came face to face with Sheppard. For the first time had Rodney seen the raw look full of hurt and betrayal and he flinched. No, this wasn´t what he wanted. But then something in his mind clicked. He had a damned hard day too, trying to persuade everyone that time was off essence. And McKay knew that this time he really did everything to help the Colonel. So taking a breath and some courage with it, he looked straight at Sheppard.

"A message. That´s all about it? The message? You aren´t angry because I let you walk through the portal that took six months of your life, but you are angry because I didn´t sent a message? And just what would´ve made you happy, Colonel? Oh wait, I know.

_Dear Sheppard, thanks to the time dilation field, the time is running much faster on your side. We´re working on the problem but it can take days to figure it out. Hope that we´ll see you before you turn eighty._

Would that do? Huh?" McKay asked, this time putting some of his own frustration into the question, waiting for the reply. It came.

"Yes, it would," Sheppard said slowly, his eyes reflecting his emotions more than McKay would´ve said was possible.

"Would it really be better if you knew that a day for us meant few years for you? Would you be able to cope with _that?" _McKay gently asked.

"Anything would be better than thinking you left me there to die alone." Sheppard repliedin raspy voice and McKay cringed.

"Never leave anyone behind. That´s what you taught me Colonel, what you taught every member of your team," McKay spoke softly. "You should have some trust in us, John. We will sooner die trying, than abandon one of our own. And you better believe me, because there´s no way I will repeat this. No matter what, someone will come. It just can take a little more time."

"Like six months?" Sheppard asked, his lips curling up in a slight smile.

"Yeah, like six months," McKay replied with a smile of his own. He knew it wasn´t as simple as this. He knew it would take some time to regain the Colonel´s trust and maybe there will be setbacks. But there´ll be always someone to let him know he isn´t alone. If not Rodney, then Teyla. If not her, then someone else.

"So, we´re okay?" McKay asked tentatively and looked at Sheppard, who was staring at the wall, probably remembering something. But it couldn´t be a bad memory, because he had this smile on his face.

"Huh? Sure, Rodney. Just next time, I would really appreciate to _know_ what´s going on."

"Hope there won´t be next time," McKay muttered under his breath, feeling tired and sore. He really needed to get some sleep.

"Hey, should you be even there? I thought Beckett told you to stay in your room."

"And by all means, that´s where I am heading. And if you know what´s good for you, Rodney, you will forget we had this conversation." With that, Sheppard menacingly ruffled the scientist´s hair and walked out of the gym.

It took McKay a second to realize he was alone, then he rushed after the Colonel, ready to protest. But a second thought came to his mind and he smiled as he caught up with Sheppard.

"So John, why don´t you tell me what´s it with you and the ascended women?"

**THE END**

**A/N: **_Just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed, I really appreciated it. Maybe I will write something longer in this fandom, it looks pretty interesting and fun to write - especially Sheppard angst_.

_Till then, you´re welcome to leave a review:-)_


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